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Post by daves on Aug 2, 2008 12:35:23 GMT 10
Stop me if you've heard this one ...
A Grand Master was visiting a Lodge in one of the remoter towns of the outback in one of the Eastern states of Australia.
There were barely enough brethren at the Lodge meeting to make a quorum.
"Didn't you tell the Brethren I was coming," said the Grand Master.
"No," replied the WM, "but I think the news must have leaked out anyway!"
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Post by Tamrin on Nov 3, 2008 6:28:33 GMT 10
From Bro.Terry:
A Mason who was working up through the line of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said, "All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be there wouldn't you? I wish I was a master!" After due thought, he said, "So do I dear, we swap them for a new one every year!!"
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One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and after much persuasion this is what he did. When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone, and she did not believe his story about staying with a brother because of the state he was in, but wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65 brethren had turned up, etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the night at his house because he was unfit to drive home. The next day in the post she received 64 letters.
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Post by Tamrin on Sept 16, 2012 9:22:55 GMT 10
A young Mason to the Director of Ceremonies: "What do you get for becoming Master of a Lodge?" DC: "A Past Master's apron, a Past Master's jewel and an extra five inches on your waist measurement." (Those who have been there will understand) Martin Faulks' Laughter on the Level
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Post by Tamrin on Dec 24, 2013 18:36:51 GMT 10
With thanks to Bro. Alan Jennings: The North Pole Lodge No. One'Twas the Night before Christmas, and down at the Lodge not a gavel was stirring, and in the hodge-podge. Of aprons and jewels and chairs East and West You could savor the silence, most gladly divest All metal and mineral, it mattered not, Since Christmas was nigh and the coals were still hot.
In the hearth of your homeplace, all Masons abed, As visions of trestleboards danced in their head; When up on the roof there arose such a clatter Our Tyler jumped up to see what was the matter! He picked up his sword and ran fast to the door, Three knocks shook the panels - he wondered 'What for?'
He answered the knocking with raps of his own, And once the door opened he saw, with a moan Of delight it was Santa, all jolly and red Except for one notable feature instead! Upon his large finger he wore what we knew Was compass and square on a background of blue!
'Why Santa!' he shouted and lowered his blade, 'I see you're a Mason!' the Tyler relayed. He looked toward the Master's most dignified chair And said, voice near trembling, 'Most Worshipful there Is a Gentleman properly clothed at the gate!'
The Master replied, 'Let's allow him - but wait! You tell me a Gentleman, but I don't see His Apron beneath that red suit, can it be Our visitor hasn't been properly raised? Must we offer a test that is suitably phrased?
'I do beg your pardon,' ol' Santa said quick As he pulled up his coat and displayed not a stick But a cane with engraving, two balls did appear And oh, what an apron, he wore and held dear! Adorned like the Master's, complete with a sign Of "The North Pole Lodge Number One" on one line!
"Now let this man enter," the Master declared, And once in the Lodge room, the Brethren all stared, For Santa was wearing a jewel not seen For many a century - there in between The fur of his coat and the splendid red collar Gleamed two golden reindeer that shone like a dollar!
"It's Donner and Blitzen, who I must confess "Are actually images brought from the West By my Warden, a craftsman like none in the world!" And with a great laugh from his bag he unfurled An ear of fine corn, and some oil from the East, "My friend I have plenty, tonight we will feast
On all that is good! We are Masons, kind sir!" A murmur went throughout the Lodge, quite a stir, As presents and promises flew from his sack! This Santa, a Mason, showed he had a knack For making this Christmas the best you could glean, And soon even Deacons were laughing, they'd seen
On this very night only happiness reigned! This jolly Saint Nicholas quickly explained That only a Mason could be so inclined To make all kids happy, make all people find A Christmas so special, yes, Santa was right! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! 'Fraternal greetings brethren.'
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Post by Tamrin on Dec 25, 2013 6:36:19 GMT 10
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Post by Tamrin on Oct 5, 2014 10:39:39 GMT 10
Opening the Lodge the Cockney way:
WM: OK Bruvvers, ere's the brief WM: Tickle them ivories John. WM: Bruvvers, 'elp us to open this 'ere gaff WM: Bruvver..... why do we 'ave to look lively? JW: To make sure the wood's in the 'ole, Guvnor. WM: Well, don't just stand there JW to IG: OK, Bruvver.... you 'eard the Guv IG to JW: Done, John. JW to WM: Done, Guv. WM to SW: The next bit? SW: To see that the Bruvvers are all in the firm. WM: Come on, Bruvvers, shake a leg. WM to JW: 'ow much top brass in this 'ere drum? JW: Free Guv. You and the two oppo's wiv the cuffs. WM to SW: Bruvver SW, 'ow many others? SW: Free John, besides the bouncer, namely the bloke on the door and the two geezers wiv the pool cues. WM to JW: Where's the bouncer then? JW: Outside the gaff, all tooled up. WM: Why's that then? JW: E's packing a blade in case we're busted Guv. WM to SW: The bloke on the door? SW: 'overin abaht a bit WM: Wot the 'ell for? SW: To check the tickets, admit new punters and do wot e's told by my oppo. WM to JW: Where's the JD? JW: Over there. WM: Why? JW: grass to you, Guv and chivvy 'em all up a bit. WM to SW: And the other one? SW: Next to you Guv. WM: Why? SW: Errand boy, Guvnor. WM to JW: Bruvver JW, wot abaht you? JW: On the sidelines. Guv WM: Why? JW: To nip dahn the pub wiv the bruvvers, get some booze and grub, and get em all back 'ere before the last bell. WM to SW: Bruvver SW, wot abaht you? SW: Down the shallow end Guv. WM: Wot the 'ell for? SW: To let 'em know when its ligh'ing up time and to close down the gaff when all the bruvvers 'ave 'ad their cut. WM to IPM: Where am I? IPM: At the sharp end, Guv WM: Why's that then? IPM: To keep them lot on their toes, open the gaff and get 'em at it. WM: Bruvvers, now that we're all 'ere, its eyes down for a full 'ouse, but before we do, lets get the boss in the technical drawing department to tip us the wink so there's no aggro. ALL: Nice one, Guvnor!
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