Lodge Humour

[daves]

Stop me if you've heard this one ...

A Grand Master was visiting a Lodge in one of the remoter towns of the outback in one of the Eastern states of Australia.

There were barely enough brethren at the Lodge meeting to make a quorum.

"Didn't you tell the Brethren I was coming," said the Grand Master.

"No," replied the WM, "but I think the news must have leaked out anyway!"

[Tamrin]

From Bro.Terry:

A Mason who was working up through the line of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said, "All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be there wouldn't you? I wish I was a master!" After due thought, he said, "So do I dear, we swap them for a new one every year!!"

******************************************

One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and after much persuasion this is what he did. When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone, and she did not believe his story about staying with a brother because of the state he was in, but wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65 brethren had turned up, etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the night at his house because he was unfit to drive home. The next day in the post she received 64 letters.

[Tamrin]

A young Mason to the Director of Ceremonies: "What do you get for becoming Master of a Lodge?"

DC: "A Past Master's apron, a Past Master's jewel and an extra five inches on your waist measurement."

(Those who have been there will understand)

Martin Faulks' Laughter on the Level

[Tamrin]

With thanks to Bro. Alan Jennings:

The North Pole Lodge No. One



'Twas the Night before Christmas, and down at the Lodge
not a gavel was stirring, and in the hodge-podge.
Of aprons and jewels and chairs East and West
You could savor the silence, most gladly divest
All metal and mineral, it mattered not,
Since Christmas was nigh and the coals were still hot.

In the hearth of your homeplace, all Masons abed,
As visions of trestleboards danced in their head;
When up on the roof there arose such a clatter
Our Tyler jumped up to see what was the matter!
He picked up his sword and ran fast to the door,
Three knocks shook the panels - he wondered 'What for?'

He answered the knocking with raps of his own,
And once the door opened he saw, with a moan
Of delight it was Santa, all jolly and red
Except for one notable feature instead!
Upon his large finger he wore what we knew
Was compass and square on a background of blue!

'Why Santa!' he shouted and lowered his blade,
'I see you're a Mason!' the Tyler relayed.
He looked toward the Master's most dignified chair
And said, voice near trembling, 'Most Worshipful there
Is a Gentleman properly clothed at the gate!'

The Master replied, 'Let's allow him - but wait!
You tell me a Gentleman, but I don't see
His Apron beneath that red suit, can it be
Our visitor hasn't been properly raised?
Must we offer a test that is suitably phrased?

'I do beg your pardon,' ol' Santa said quick
As he pulled up his coat and displayed not a stick
But a cane with engraving, two balls did appear
And oh, what an apron, he wore and held dear!
Adorned like the Master's, complete with a sign
Of "The North Pole Lodge Number One" on one line!

"Now let this man enter," the Master declared,
And once in the Lodge room, the Brethren all stared,
For Santa was wearing a jewel not seen
For many a century - there in between
The fur of his coat and the splendid red collar
Gleamed two golden reindeer that shone like a dollar!

"It's Donner and Blitzen, who I must confess
"Are actually images brought from the West
By my Warden, a craftsman like none in the world!"
And with a great laugh from his bag he unfurled
An ear of fine corn, and some oil from the East,
"My friend I have plenty, tonight we will feast

On all that is good! We are Masons, kind sir!"
A murmur went throughout the Lodge, quite a stir,
As presents and promises flew from his sack!
This Santa, a Mason, showed he had a knack
For making this Christmas the best you could glean,
And soon even Deacons were laughing, they'd seen

On this very night only happiness reigned!
This jolly Saint Nicholas quickly explained
That only a Mason could be so inclined
To make all kids happy, make all people find
A Christmas so special, yes, Santa was right!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

'Fraternal greetings brethren.'

[Tamrin]

Is Father Christmas a Freemason?


   I have a very serious question to put to you all.

I would like to raise it with you and then do some detective work,
examining the evidence that might lead us to answering it.

It is a most important question that I am sure you have often asked
yourself, and relates our Craft to the wider society in which we live and
concerns several major issues of this season. This very serious question
is "Is Father Christmas a Freemason?"

Let us consider the facts of this case: Of whom does this remind you?

A worthy gentleman, who is (we must admit) getting on a bit in years and
is perhaps a little overweight, who wears a very distinctive costume as
the badge of his activities, who provides the opportunity for friends and
visitors to meet in fellowship, who is surrounded by secrecy and
mystery, dispenses goodwill and the charity of gifts all over the world
(avoiding ostentatious public display while doing so) and is there doing
it year after year!

Well, fellow detectives, you must admit that this description could fit
either Santa or a freemason. But this is merely circumstantial evidence.
We need some proof!

Let us start with his movements on the evening in question. All the
reports have him coming from the North Pole. As the sun rises in the east
to open and enliven the day, and with him needing to finish the world
before dawn, then he would have to begin in the East and move towards
the West. Therefore Father Christmas must begin his journey at the
north-east corner of the world. This, of course, is exactly what we do
with an entered apprentice.

Similarly, you would assume he would finish heading for home, which
would place him in the north-west corner at the end of his work, to give
his salute to the world and leave. Convincing proof, you must agree!

But, think too, he undertakes this great journey to provide the gifts but
once a year, and I am sure that any Brother Treasurer will agree that this
is exactly the frequency with which most brethren provide the gift of
their charity to the lodge! And the secrecy, the mystery? Those of you
who are parents, remember. What was the worst crime that an older child
could commit at this time of the year? To tell the younger ones the secret
of Santa, to break the faith that they should have kept. And I am sure
your punishment of them pointed out that they were void of all moral
worth and totally unfit to be received into the dinner table but be sent to
their room for destroying something that was so good, so worthwhile
and so innocent.

Surely all this evidence shows us beyond doubt that Father Christmas is
a Freemason! He practices Brotherly Love and Relief; we are happy to
meet him and the Christmas season, and sorry to part.

All the details, his wearing of a uniform, the rituals that happen year in
year out, the fact he is a male ... On a more serious note, brethren, the
way the whole Christmas season has developed and is practiced does
have many things in common with Freemasonry, and we can learn much
about each from the other.

For instance, where did the figure we call Father Christmas come from
originally? What is his background? Father Christmas, or Santa Claus, or
St Nicholas has elements of pre-Christian myths and legends, which
developed through the Middle Ages by being built into the great
Christian story of God's wonderful gift to the world.

By the eighteenth and nineteenth century these details were formalized
into the character that we still have today: his stylized uniform, his way
of working, his ritual activities and sayings. This all sounds very
Masonic.

The pre-Christian legends of Solomon's Temple, the pyramids,
Pythagoras, and so on were developed through the Middle Ages by the
great Christian cathedral builders, then formalized in the eighteenth and
nineteenth centuries into the uniform, the work, the rituals that we use
today.

St Nicholas was actually a 4th century Turkish bishop who had originally
been a rich nobleman. One of the stories about him was that he had
helped a poor man who could not afford to pay for weddings for his 3
daughters.

St Nicholas climbed onto the roof and threw a handful of gold coins
down the chimney and these coins fell into the girls' stockings that had
been hung up by the fire to dry. The girls were then able to marry well
and lived happily ever after.

He has been considered the patron saint of poor children ever since. The
legend became very popular in Europe, especially the Netherlands where
it was mixed with elements from the pagan Yule or mid-winter festivals. St
Nick became SantaClaus, who would arrive on December 6th (St
Nicholas' Day) mounted on a white horse and visit children to Enquirer
about their behaviour the previous year.

Good children would be rewarded, and bad ones punished. The night
before, children would leave a pair of the shoes or clogs out, filled with
hay and carrots for the horse. In the morning these would be found, filled
with sweets or small presents.

These traditions were taken to America by Dutch settlers, but it was the
famous poem by Professor Clement Clark Moore which begins " 'Twas
the night before Christmas, and all through the house...." which settled
most of the details into the Santa figure we know today.

Many of these details (such as the reindeer, and their names, the flying
sledge, coming down the chimney) were first brought together in this
poem, but Professor Moore took them from old traditions from as far
afield as Finland and Siberia and they have stuck and become a single
story. You can see how similar this is to the creation of our ritual and
ceremonies.

While these also certainly include many elements that are ancient
folklore, they were put together quite deliberately by identifiable people,
with a specific aim: to create an impression in the minds of the brethren
taking part. Like the Santa legend, the details may be fictional, they may
come from many different sources, and they may even be inconsistent
with each other. That does not matter.

It is the impression that all of them create as an entirety that is important.
Would you deny all the good that the Santa story achieves, all the
happiness it creates, just because it is a story? Of course not. And this is
the real linking of Father Christmas and Freemasonry.

Why do we have Christmas and why do we have Father Christmas? We
celebrate religious beliefs about the birth of goodness, and hope for the
future; we reaffirm the belief that people are basically good and can
develop into loving, caring, helpful, supporting friends to each other.

We look to a New Year where things can be better. We do this at this
season whether we are celebrating the Christian Nativity, or the Jewish
Hannukah with its lights and gifts and story of peace, or the Hindu
Diwali with its festival of lights and gifts of sweets and toys, or even if
we hold no formal religion except the pleasure of seeing a child's face
transfixed with wonder and delight. And why are we freemasons?
Because we believe that there are important things like goodness and
hope for the future, and that men can develop into loving, caring, helpful,
supporting brethren to their families and each other.

We not only look to a future where things can be better, but we see it as
our role, as Free and Accepted, or Symbolic, Masons, to help to build
that future.
So, I feel I can safely say that Father Christmas is a freemason. Not only
does he show so many of the signs and tokens of being one, but he
brings us a message that we, as freemasons, can heed for the whole year.

Peace on earth, good will towards men !

Merry Christmas.

David Downie
St Trinians Lodge No 2050
Isle of Man

[Tamrin]

Opening the Lodge the Cockney way:

WM: OK Bruvvers, ere's the brief
WM: Tickle them ivories John.
WM: Bruvvers, 'elp us to open this 'ere gaff
WM: Bruvver..... why do we 'ave to look lively?
JW: To make sure the wood's in the 'ole, Guvnor.
WM: Well, don't just stand there
JW to IG: OK, Bruvver.... you 'eard the Guv
IG to JW: Done, John.
JW to WM: Done, Guv.
WM to SW: The next bit?
SW: To see that the Bruvvers are all in the firm.
WM: Come on, Bruvvers, shake a leg.
WM to JW: 'ow much top brass in this 'ere drum?
JW: Free Guv. You and the two oppo's wiv the cuffs.
WM to SW: Bruvver SW, 'ow many others?
SW: Free John, besides the bouncer, namely the bloke on the door and the two geezers wiv the pool cues.
WM to JW: Where's the bouncer then?
JW: Outside the gaff, all tooled up.
WM: Why's that then?
JW: E's packing a blade in case we're busted Guv.
WM to SW: The bloke on the door?
SW: 'overin abaht a bit
WM: Wot the 'ell for?
SW: To check the tickets, admit new punters and do wot e's told by my oppo.
WM to JW: Where's the JD?
JW: Over there.
WM: Why?
JW: grass to you, Guv and chivvy 'em all up a bit.
WM to SW: And the other one?
SW: Next to you Guv.
WM: Why?
SW: Errand boy, Guvnor.
WM to JW: Bruvver JW, wot abaht you?
JW: On the sidelines. Guv
WM: Why?
JW: To nip dahn the pub wiv the bruvvers, get some booze and grub, and get em all back 'ere before the last bell.
WM to SW: Bruvver SW, wot abaht you?
SW: Down the shallow end Guv.
WM: Wot the 'ell for?
SW: To let 'em know when its ligh'ing up time and to close down the gaff when all the bruvvers 'ave 'ad their cut.
WM to IPM: Where am I?
IPM: At the sharp end, Guv
WM: Why's that then?
IPM: To keep them lot on their toes, open the gaff and get 'em at it.
WM: Bruvvers, now that we're all 'ere, its eyes down for a full 'ouse, but before we do, lets get the boss in the technical drawing department to tip us the wink so there's no aggro.
ALL: Nice one, Guvnor!